Catch up game

Lots to catch up on. That seems to be the theme of the week simply because I have been so involved in education lately, I have barely had time to eat. So we shall update you with the short version of everything.
I will be going to take my last final of the semester in a little over two hours. I will then be done with what I can honestly say was the most challenging, frustrating and aggravating semester of my life to this point in time. Group projects have been the cause of most of my irritability and aggravation. I have never been more stressed out than this semester. Hubbs has even had to step in and be the woman of the house by cleaning, doing dinners, dishes, laundry, errands, phone calls and paying all the bills. He has had to step in and moderate homework assignments and douse fires over homework squabbles. This has been a trying semester and we are both so thankful that it is now over.

Now we are gearing up for our last and final semester at this school. I will be very overwhelmed with projects again as it is my senior project semester and that is all my classes are, is projects. Hubbs is taking a fairly content semester. We are also working on getting everything set up for when we move and were we will be living. It's quite exciting! We will be back in ocean country and the land of liberals that aren't such a tight wad, it crawls up your butt and gives you wedgies. No offense to our friends here, we just have had really negative experiences here in the land of "perfection and zion". The school has great ideal, they just handle them wrong and so as a result we both are feeling confined, held back and screwed over in many situations (again based off our own experiences).

Moving back excites us and terrifies me at the same time. Not having a consistent and for sure income scares me specially because of my medical bills and the debt we will be going into here shortly to start paying for Hubbs tuition bills. I have been having panic attacks frequently lately because of money and school assignments. Something I haven't experienced since I was like 13 visiting my grandparents. Mixed emotions for so many reasons, such as family and the life events that we haven't been apart of for the last two years. Money, weather, jobs, expectations of myself and others. "Welcome to being an adult" I hear my mother's words echoing in my head as I cringe. I know it's true and I know it's all apart of life, but for real can I just complain for a minute and get sympathy? I figure I can complain as I am working things through my head and then it's time to get to work and moving. So this is my rant. Let's get moving!

I have been thinking of several different things I want to do with my time and wrestling those with the things I probably should be doing with my time. I am in class each day listening to how much money is being made just by posting blogs and making youtube videos for people to see everyday. I hear about social media and how important it is to get yourself out there and be heard and how as a professional, I am supposed to be spending close to 2-3 hours a day on social media and reading what is going on so I can stay up to date and aware of what is really going on out there. I feel like now, I just don't have the time to do what I love and so what I would love to do is to stay home and make youtube video tutorials of how to craft, bake/cook, sew, ect. I want to spend my time reading books that would benefit me and that I would actually enjoy reading instead of textbooks I feel are irrelevant to what I am in search of. Now, that is what I would like to do, however, I don't feel I can leave the financial stability hanging on by the income of an amateur. So, I have been looking into possibilities and catching up with  my networking connections to see if I have possible openings for jobs back home. I currently have three possible options available, just waiting for time to pass so I can go and chat with these people more in depth. I don't feel I could be a stay at home wife all day, I would need some source of employment to give myself time to be me and feel like I have a purpose in life.

NOW warning because some of my thoughts I am portraying aren't going to come out as smoothly as I see them in my head.

So part of our culture thrives on young couples getting married at younger ages than society believes, and starting families. All of my married friends have children and/or are pregnant and I am feeling left out. I have a love hate relationship with children and I will explain so I don't look like a total hypocritical witch. I hate being around children who have no discipline, rude, inconsiderate, oblivious and ill mannered creatures that are spoiled beyond the healthy limit. I also have a huge detest for parents who think this is what raises a good child. These children I call "devil children" because they were raised by careless or unaware parents. 

I think and fully believe that you can let children have freedom to be themselves, and that they can be disciplined in such a way that they are well mannered and respectable little children. My nephews are perfect examples of what I want my children to be like. They have fun, they can be themselves, they are honest, they respect those around them, they are polite and use words please and thank you without being "forced/reminded" to.

I absolutely love children and think we will be awesome parents. I think their cute chubby little smiles are the most adorable part of them and think that they are blessings sent from God. I can't wait to play with them, teach them and watch them grow. I get jealous when I see everyone getting pregnant at the same time and I can't. (for those of you who don't already know, I have medical issues that result in me not being able to have my own children, this fact makes me bitter and I admit it) I want to adopt, but money comes into play again and makes it impossible for us to do so at this time because of financial aid debts we have to pay our tuition and we are only going to get worse over the next four years as Hubbs is starting grad school. So I deal with the daily struggle of hating myself because of things beyond my control and feeling like God has punished me for something I have done in my past. It hurts me daily when I see pregnant women rubbing their bellies and talking about kids and being pregnant. BACKGROUND INFO INSERTED.... When it is my closest friends and family I am completely 100% happy for them and just want to be involved so that I can be the support they need. I have no grudges against the people closest to me and no animosity against them. You who are reading this are considered close friends so there is no need to worry or be cautious around me. For some reason I don't see this as an issue for those I love... Who knew right!? :)

Anyway Onto what's going on with us..... About three weeks ago I was looking in the mirror and found a hair that was as white as snow. I pulled it out and examined it. Then I texted my mother to inform her that I am officially getting old. The next day I was looking in the mirror again and found a whole handful of white hairs on the top of my head. I am WAY too young to have that and I again texted in a frantic state to my mother with a panic that made me flutter. She writes back laughing. "Thanks MOM!" Just what this panicked person needed!

Easter was good, quiet because I was busy with classes. We played a prank on Hubbs family and it was great.

Nothing really new with us other than what has been mentioned in this post so now that the semester is over, I can get back on schedule with posting weekly for you all to see. I hope you are enjoying yourself.

Black hole on transparent screen.

First of all, my eye sight is compromised right now because while making dinner, the potatoes started bubbling and part jumped into my eye and embedded itself for the night in between my eye lid and my eye ball. So if there are imperfections, that will be my excuse as to why. I have made a song up about it and giving hubbs a comedic show of all of it.

Now i know there have been several personal messages to me lately and i haven't been very responsive. Sorry about that. I haven't wanted to really be in a talkative mood lately. You know how right before we left for Christmas vacation to see our families, i had mentioned testing... WELL... we have good news and bad news. There was a new spot that showed up in the ct scan that they had called a cyst. The blood work showed up fine and they said my body is in full recovery mode in the aspect that i could possibly have my own child now... in time.

Since my story started with a cyst and unknown variables, i am leary of the feedback i am getting from my doctor here in this arctic waist land. I am in the mind set of "it's happening again!" I keep trying to tell myself that everything is fine, but then a sharp pain comes to my side and i am cramping for the next several hours. This fear doesn't subside.

My doctor here can't seem to get emails to me and i am not sure as to why or how reliable he is. He has written me in the past and there has been no problems with communicating. I emailed him several times while on vacation for him to call me with my results of the ultra sound and let me know what was going on. Nothing. Then when we got back i emailed him again. Still nothing. So this last week i emailed him and told him i needed a response to feel like someone other than myself cares about my health and safety and would appreciate it if he would give me results and end this terrifying fear i am living with from day to day.

The next night, i got a call from someone at the office there and he said that the cyst is like 3 cm big and i needed another ultra sound 4-6 WEEKS after my next period. I laughed and said "Lucky or unlucky for you, we need to start scheduling this right now then. (Guys sorry if it's too much! I had just finished my period) The next day while i was at work i got another call from a girl at the same office and she had different sizes of the cyst and said 4 to 6 DAYS to schedule. So i was getting conflicting messages and i called back once i finally got off work and asked for clarity, which of course, they couldn't give to me. So then i gave up and decided to go ahead and call the place for the ultra sound to schedule an appointment. Apparently calling was a bad thing...

The lady answered the phone and sounded angry right away. I started talking and telling her why i was calling. She started to say she was hanging up on me in a strict tone, because i was breaking up. I think it might have been the wind as i was walking to my car from work. Then when i mentioned i needed to schedule an appointment she had an attitude of "I don't care." She was talking to me from the work cell phone because it was after hours. She didn't want to schedule anything and wasn't able to help me out at all. I told her i couldn't call earlier because i work from 7:30-5 every day and they aren't open whenever i am not working. When i got off the phone i started bawling.

I was feeling so alone and so uncared about. If these health professionals aren't even willing to help me out by giving me the information i need to get my scans and everything settled myself, then why should i care. I felt like they weren't doing their job of educating the patient on the options available to keep them healthy. After having a full on break down for close to two hours i told hubbs that if this turns out to be what i hope it's not, then i am moving back home for people who know how to do their job and are willing to help me and have resources, can do it.

So with all the problems and frustration that has been going on with my issues of health, hubbs agreed to call and make an appointment for me while i was working. Sadly i will have to sacrifice my education to do this, but my health is ultimately more important. My teachers are very understanding and willing to do anything to help me succeed in their classes, when it comes to my health problems.
Tuesday we have the appointment, first thing in the morning and then HOPEFULLY we will have an idea of what is going on.... Keep your fingers crossed, prayers and positive thoughts flowing this way. I appreciate the care and concern of my faithful readers.

Now onto some happier more fluffy pieces of info to log away in your brain storage.
Hubbs and I both are doing our internships right now. His is going really well and he is getting to talk a lot with the supervisor and learn from him. Me on the other hand, not so pleased. I am working with four other interns. Two business majors and two accounting majors. The accounting majors i never see cause they are in random back rooms doing their thing. The business majors are in the front office with me. During our interviews with the head honcho she said we would all be doing things that would go with our degree and she gave us specific examples. Then on our first days, we each provided a paper to our managers telling them what we want out of our experience. The business majors are doing the stuff i should be doing and i am doing what a receptionist does of answering phones and stapling papers. Not to satisfied with my internship currently. They are a mess as well and i have spent the last week organinzing files on the computer and in their desks so that things can be found faster and easier.

Other than that, not much is new or going on with us. We'll keep you informed.

Please comment below and tell us about a event going on in your life for this week.