There are emotions I never thought I would know or understand. Things I never thought possible, have happened. Anger I never wanted to experience. I am left with a pain I never wish anyone else to feel, and one that few others around me have felt themselves. I often forget that I am not the only one experiencing these trials and tribulations. Today has been particularly hard for me in my process to better understand my challenges.
Because I am unable to have my own children I often feel like I have no value, no worth, and I am just a burden to Hubbs because of all the financial difficulties my treatments have caused and the continual breakdown sessions of what is happening with the emotional side of coping. I feel sorry that I have added this burden to his life because he doesn't deserve to have this in his life.
Thinking about this and stumbling around online for articles about how to help him understand some of my pain, I found an article I would like to add some personal comments to. The list of things I wish you could understand about my grieving.
1. I wish more people would think before they speak. Judgmental comments are better left unsaid. Instead of acting as if you are better than me or you know how to handle the situation better than I do, try getting to know me on a more personal level first. Ignorance hurts others, that is why I also wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about what is going on in my life and ask what you can do to help. I enjoy talking about my situation, to raise awareness that people struggling, are still people with different challenges. Also, by telling my story of my illness and my situation, I can raise awareness to those who are curious but afraid to speak up. Another thing is, you may not be able to help or fix a situation but you can just be a genuine friend. Sometimes, that is all I need.
2. I have emotions just like the rest of you. If I cry or get emotional when talking about my challenges, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered (or suffered differently) has caused my tears. You have opened up the doors to allow me to cry/express emotions to heal.
3. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day, my grief is over and I am healed. If I have a bad day, please don't jump to a conclusion that I need counseling or to talk to others in my situation, I am just trying to grasp my emotions and having a hard day. Anger, Depression, Frustration, Hopelessness, Brokenness, Worthlessness and questioning one's beliefs are part of learning and growing. Because I have a lapse and feel this temporarily, doesn't mean that I am always going to feel this way. I have my beliefs and I know my faith is building me and making me stronger, I may question why this is happening to me but it doesn't mean that I want/need to know. I know it's my test and challenge.
4. Grieving the loss of a child or the loss of a possibility isn't contagious so please don't shy away and avoid me. I am not an alien. I am human like you.
5. Physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight. sleep all the time or not at all. I may want to surround myself with friends and those who support or sit at home on my couch for a while. Again this is temporary and not always in my control for how I feel from day to day with everything.
6. I am not trying to be selfish and inconsiderate when I need to take some time to focus on me and making sure I am in a right space and frame of mind. I want to be the best friend I can be and if I am not in the right frame of mind, I can't see clearly, others situations. For the better of our relationship I need to take time for me to refocus myself. Please be thoughtful and ask but don't try to coerce me into being social or cheery either, it will just create resentment between us.
7. Opinions. Everyone has them and everyone loves sharing them. You believe in one thing and I believe in something as well. You may not always believe the same thing I do and we may not always have the same thoughts on things. Judging me based off of my challenges that are specific for me, is unfair. I can't judge you on your challenges that are meant just for you. I wish that you can feel love and acceptance with an open mind for me and my situation.
8. Challenges change people. I am most likely not the same person I was when you met me. I wish I could be that same person some times, however, I have come to appreciate who I am now. I know that some may see me as jaded and bitter, but if you went through this same challenge, would you be able to come out better than this? Lets see. I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for the experiences I have in my life. I have learned so much and gained different experiences that you possibly can't dream of.
I still love you and want to be involved in your life. I still am human and have feelings just like you. I still have experiences that you may or may not be experiencing and everyone deals differently. We are not uniform in our grieving.
1. http://worldofwinks.wordpress.com/things-i-wish-i-could-tell-people-about-grieving-infertility/
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Monday, August 18, 2014
Diagnosis story/ scare
Thursday July 17th- First appointment with my new primary doctor. During the appointment she said that she wanted to have me take blood tests that would be done in the office above hers. She wanted this right away. She also said she wanted me to get a Gynecologist to just have a quick check up and to do an ultra sound. Then she went right out and scheduled for me to meet her in a month to go over results. I never called anyone because I figured I would get the appointments closer to the next visit with my doc. For a while now I have also been experiencing several symptoms that have been similar to the start my previous diagnosis. I have had pain in my hip region that felt like intense cramping. I have had issues with irregular periods and fluctuation of the flow as well. My weight has been fluctuating too. I keep trying to lose weight and it seems like the harder I try the more weight I gain. I have been working out and getting exercise six days a week.
Monday morning July 21st- A local hospital called and was asking about my maiden name. (this was the hospital that I was originally diagnosed through for my ovarian cancer back in 2006. They had my name still in the file and someone remembered me still.) They said they wanted me to come in that day and I didn't have a car so I couldn't. Then they wanted me to come in the next day and I was working so I wouldn't be available so they set up an appointment for first thing Wednesday the 23rd and my friend went with me so she could look at the screen and translate what was going on. During the scans my friend kept asking questions to the radiologist and what the object was that she was focusing on so much. The nurses can't legally tell me anything but barely audible she said it was a "cyst". Now I knew that I had at least one from scans done about two years ago, but haven't been able to find out results till now due to financial issues with medical insurance. My friend was sitting there and looked at me and said "You've got some serious stuff going on here". It's big and it looks like there is more. I will return to this in a moment. Then after she did the ovarian scan she moved to the abdomen. While there the nurse was focusing on particular part, I believe she said it was the liver. She spent more time observing that than everything else the entire time we were there, combined. (This is what happened last time as well, how we knew it was bad before docs told us.) Then after the images were done being taken the nurse went into another room and talked about my images for 20 minutes or more. When she came back I asked if I could get a copy of my images and she told me to go sit in the lobby and they would have it done in 5 minutes. Fifteen minutes later still nothing so I went to the front desk and asked. There were three other nurses hovering over the computer talking and pointing at the computer (my scans). They told me to "shoo" and go away, they would bring them to me. When getting home and looking at the scans I couldn't tell anything in the abdomen but then again I don't know that area as well. In the Ovarian scan, it appears that there is at least 4 cysts and one of them is half the size of my ovary.
Friday July 25th- I get a call from someone telling me she needed me to come in and take a CT scan as soon as possible. She asked if I was available to come right now and I said no. I didn't have a way to get there. Then she asked about Monday and I was working again all day so I wouldn't be available and the lady finally said ok then "when would work best for you?" I said how about Thursday or Friday? She said, "No, that won't do, we need to do it as soon as possible" making Tuesday the 29th the only available day. She said "9 a.m. or 2p.m.?" I said 9 because I had to work later that afternoon and didn't want to risk being late.
Monday July 28th- I got a call reminding me to come in for my appointment and asked about how long the test was going to take (normally the scan is from my shoulders to my thighs and takes 15 minutes but I need to drink contrast for 24 hours. ) They said I would be in there all of 30 minutes. I didn't need to drink or anything, just couldn't eat. Thinking this was a lie, I expected to be there for a few hours and had a friend come with me again. The receptionist said results would be sent to my doctor on the 30th and I could get a copy of the images then as well.
Friday August 1st- I have called my doctor several times so far and no answer. I left a message with my doctor's office to have my doctor call me right away, that I was unhappy with how horrible the communication has been about the results of all my tests and that I needed confirmation. Then on Monday the 4th, I called again and finally got the receptionist and I gave her an earful so she would know I NEED TO TALK TO MY DOCTOR! Instead of trying to get the connection set up, she started asking me about how I was freaking out about the lack of communication and why. I was like " does it really matter? Bottom line is I need someone to tell me what the crap is going on, and I need it NOW, not three weeks from now when my appointment is!" She said she would call the doctor right away and have her call me back.
Wednesday August 6th- I took my copy of my most recent scans to the Chiropractic college near by to have the Radiologist there write up a report. My chiropractic team is there at the school and all know what's going on. They mentioned that when the results are in, they will call hubs to pick it up. Still waiting on that. We shall see who we get results from first...Dumb waiting game!
Thursday August 7th- (I have had my phone in my hand on full volume since Monday) 9 a.m. I look at my phone and see there is a missed call and a message. I listened to it and the receptionist was telling me to call her back. I immediately tried calling back the number she gave and a recording said " try again later, your call cannot be made" I hung up and tried the number which she actually called from and got the same message. It sounded fake so I tried calling both numbers again and again till about 5:30p.m. when I finally gave up. Never able to get connected.
Friday August 8th- Still holding my phone for a call, Nothing! Then around 4:30 in the afternoon I get a call from a specialist that said she received an order from my doc that I needed to meet with the specialist right away, two days ago. The lady wouldn't let me off the phone till I made an appointment with the doc at the first opening immediately after the doc returns from vacation. Next appointment is scheduled at 9a.m. for August 19th. After this call I immediately called my Primary doc again and amazingly enough got through but had to leave a message. In a very stern voice I said. " I HAVE TO TALK TO MY DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY ABOUT MY TEST RESULTS, THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE AND INAPPROPRIATE TO IGNORE YOUR PATIENT LIKE THIS. HAVE MY DOCTOR CALL ME A.S.A.P.!" and hung up. Still no response.... I also have been having issues with bright orange poop and I didn't think anything of it except for we had a conversation recently about color of poops and having a healthy stool. (I get this is embarrassing but nothing is out of the question because I have no dignity or anything to hide) So I looked up what it meant and came across this article... Poop colors. As you can see orange is caused by several factors. The last line is the kicker... I don't take medications or anything mentioned on there except the possibility of "LIVER DISEASE. So now we wait to hear results of what is going on and who can contact me first.
Monday August 18th- I met with my doctor today and got results, but I don't trust them. The doc is working out of an apartment room. She refused talking to me at all this month as I waited for results. She and her receptionist didn't know that I was doing other tests and that they had results of the tests, which THEY ordered. I had to remind her of the results and ask her to go over them. The whole reason for the testing was to go over my ovary and in the report there was nothing at all written about my ovary. She (doctor) assumed that I had no ovaries at all. She didn't spend more than two minutes glancing over ONE PAGE of my 40 page report I gave her with test results, previous doc letters and all sorts of stuff. She didn't want to explain anything to D and I about anything going on. Now for results. She said that there were two things, my liver isn't filtering the fatty stuff I consume as well as it should be. My good cholesterol is low (two points). We are doing a detox cleanse right now for the next 21 days and you can follow that if you wish on our blog. Everything else is clear levels. She said she was going to get a call made to the H who did my test on ultra-sound and get feedback for my ovary. My scans that I took to the radiologist at the clinic on campus didn't know enough about the torso area of a body to make a report (he specializes in bones and occasionally muscles) so he gave them back with numbers for me to call to get the report of the scans. I am going to review previous tests and these most recent ones as soon as I get home tonight. So from my doc's view I have a clean bill of health. I am seeking a second opinion. The specialist appointment I have tomorrow is just for my OB doc and nothing else. Very misleading and confusing. Here is all I have.
Tuesday August 19th- I had an appointment scheduled with a specialist, which my doc told me yesterday was for an OB and a Oncologist. I found out it was only an OB and figured it couldn't hurt to do the appointment. So this morning I was getting ready and mis-read my clock and thought I had a few minutes to chill. Then I looked at my clock again and realized it was ten minutes before my appointment time, so we rushed over there and made it in time with no gas in our car. When we got there I went to sign in and the lady at the front desk said she didn't have me on the schedule so I went to the other desk in the room and asked them. They didn't have me on their list either. Unfortunately when they called, they didn't call to tell me the doc's name or what I was there for. I was just lucky enough to get the address. So everyone was asking me what I was there for and I couldn't tell them. Then one of the ladies said she had my name in their files, but she didn't have me on the schedule. I was like "ok? and?". Then they came back up to the desk and said "oh yeah, we called your doc two weeks ago and told her you needed to find a different doctor because we aren't the right kind of doc for you. They said they had told you it was canceled and that you didn't need to come in today". So I turned around and went back home. I never heard anything from my doc. When I asked her about this appointment yesterday, she didn't event know that I had talked to them and had an appointment. This doctor is reckless and careless with my case. She doesn't ever know what I am talking about and doesn't read my files till I am in her office grilling her for answers. I am getting really irritated with this doc and would LOVE to go back to my doctors at the children's hospital near by. So frustrating!
Monday morning July 21st- A local hospital called and was asking about my maiden name. (this was the hospital that I was originally diagnosed through for my ovarian cancer back in 2006. They had my name still in the file and someone remembered me still.) They said they wanted me to come in that day and I didn't have a car so I couldn't. Then they wanted me to come in the next day and I was working so I wouldn't be available so they set up an appointment for first thing Wednesday the 23rd and my friend went with me so she could look at the screen and translate what was going on. During the scans my friend kept asking questions to the radiologist and what the object was that she was focusing on so much. The nurses can't legally tell me anything but barely audible she said it was a "cyst". Now I knew that I had at least one from scans done about two years ago, but haven't been able to find out results till now due to financial issues with medical insurance. My friend was sitting there and looked at me and said "You've got some serious stuff going on here". It's big and it looks like there is more. I will return to this in a moment. Then after she did the ovarian scan she moved to the abdomen. While there the nurse was focusing on particular part, I believe she said it was the liver. She spent more time observing that than everything else the entire time we were there, combined. (This is what happened last time as well, how we knew it was bad before docs told us.) Then after the images were done being taken the nurse went into another room and talked about my images for 20 minutes or more. When she came back I asked if I could get a copy of my images and she told me to go sit in the lobby and they would have it done in 5 minutes. Fifteen minutes later still nothing so I went to the front desk and asked. There were three other nurses hovering over the computer talking and pointing at the computer (my scans). They told me to "shoo" and go away, they would bring them to me. When getting home and looking at the scans I couldn't tell anything in the abdomen but then again I don't know that area as well. In the Ovarian scan, it appears that there is at least 4 cysts and one of them is half the size of my ovary.
Friday July 25th- I get a call from someone telling me she needed me to come in and take a CT scan as soon as possible. She asked if I was available to come right now and I said no. I didn't have a way to get there. Then she asked about Monday and I was working again all day so I wouldn't be available and the lady finally said ok then "when would work best for you?" I said how about Thursday or Friday? She said, "No, that won't do, we need to do it as soon as possible" making Tuesday the 29th the only available day. She said "9 a.m. or 2p.m.?" I said 9 because I had to work later that afternoon and didn't want to risk being late.
Monday July 28th- I got a call reminding me to come in for my appointment and asked about how long the test was going to take (normally the scan is from my shoulders to my thighs and takes 15 minutes but I need to drink contrast for 24 hours. ) They said I would be in there all of 30 minutes. I didn't need to drink or anything, just couldn't eat. Thinking this was a lie, I expected to be there for a few hours and had a friend come with me again. The receptionist said results would be sent to my doctor on the 30th and I could get a copy of the images then as well.
Friday August 1st- I have called my doctor several times so far and no answer. I left a message with my doctor's office to have my doctor call me right away, that I was unhappy with how horrible the communication has been about the results of all my tests and that I needed confirmation. Then on Monday the 4th, I called again and finally got the receptionist and I gave her an earful so she would know I NEED TO TALK TO MY DOCTOR! Instead of trying to get the connection set up, she started asking me about how I was freaking out about the lack of communication and why. I was like " does it really matter? Bottom line is I need someone to tell me what the crap is going on, and I need it NOW, not three weeks from now when my appointment is!" She said she would call the doctor right away and have her call me back.
Wednesday August 6th- I took my copy of my most recent scans to the Chiropractic college near by to have the Radiologist there write up a report. My chiropractic team is there at the school and all know what's going on. They mentioned that when the results are in, they will call hubs to pick it up. Still waiting on that. We shall see who we get results from first...Dumb waiting game!
Thursday August 7th- (I have had my phone in my hand on full volume since Monday) 9 a.m. I look at my phone and see there is a missed call and a message. I listened to it and the receptionist was telling me to call her back. I immediately tried calling back the number she gave and a recording said " try again later, your call cannot be made" I hung up and tried the number which she actually called from and got the same message. It sounded fake so I tried calling both numbers again and again till about 5:30p.m. when I finally gave up. Never able to get connected.
Friday August 8th- Still holding my phone for a call, Nothing! Then around 4:30 in the afternoon I get a call from a specialist that said she received an order from my doc that I needed to meet with the specialist right away, two days ago. The lady wouldn't let me off the phone till I made an appointment with the doc at the first opening immediately after the doc returns from vacation. Next appointment is scheduled at 9a.m. for August 19th. After this call I immediately called my Primary doc again and amazingly enough got through but had to leave a message. In a very stern voice I said. " I HAVE TO TALK TO MY DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY ABOUT MY TEST RESULTS, THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE AND INAPPROPRIATE TO IGNORE YOUR PATIENT LIKE THIS. HAVE MY DOCTOR CALL ME A.S.A.P.!" and hung up. Still no response.... I also have been having issues with bright orange poop and I didn't think anything of it except for we had a conversation recently about color of poops and having a healthy stool. (I get this is embarrassing but nothing is out of the question because I have no dignity or anything to hide) So I looked up what it meant and came across this article... Poop colors. As you can see orange is caused by several factors. The last line is the kicker... I don't take medications or anything mentioned on there except the possibility of "LIVER DISEASE. So now we wait to hear results of what is going on and who can contact me first.
Monday August 18th- I met with my doctor today and got results, but I don't trust them. The doc is working out of an apartment room. She refused talking to me at all this month as I waited for results. She and her receptionist didn't know that I was doing other tests and that they had results of the tests, which THEY ordered. I had to remind her of the results and ask her to go over them. The whole reason for the testing was to go over my ovary and in the report there was nothing at all written about my ovary. She (doctor) assumed that I had no ovaries at all. She didn't spend more than two minutes glancing over ONE PAGE of my 40 page report I gave her with test results, previous doc letters and all sorts of stuff. She didn't want to explain anything to D and I about anything going on. Now for results. She said that there were two things, my liver isn't filtering the fatty stuff I consume as well as it should be. My good cholesterol is low (two points). We are doing a detox cleanse right now for the next 21 days and you can follow that if you wish on our blog. Everything else is clear levels. She said she was going to get a call made to the H who did my test on ultra-sound and get feedback for my ovary. My scans that I took to the radiologist at the clinic on campus didn't know enough about the torso area of a body to make a report (he specializes in bones and occasionally muscles) so he gave them back with numbers for me to call to get the report of the scans. I am going to review previous tests and these most recent ones as soon as I get home tonight. So from my doc's view I have a clean bill of health. I am seeking a second opinion. The specialist appointment I have tomorrow is just for my OB doc and nothing else. Very misleading and confusing. Here is all I have.
Tuesday August 19th- I had an appointment scheduled with a specialist, which my doc told me yesterday was for an OB and a Oncologist. I found out it was only an OB and figured it couldn't hurt to do the appointment. So this morning I was getting ready and mis-read my clock and thought I had a few minutes to chill. Then I looked at my clock again and realized it was ten minutes before my appointment time, so we rushed over there and made it in time with no gas in our car. When we got there I went to sign in and the lady at the front desk said she didn't have me on the schedule so I went to the other desk in the room and asked them. They didn't have me on their list either. Unfortunately when they called, they didn't call to tell me the doc's name or what I was there for. I was just lucky enough to get the address. So everyone was asking me what I was there for and I couldn't tell them. Then one of the ladies said she had my name in their files, but she didn't have me on the schedule. I was like "ok? and?". Then they came back up to the desk and said "oh yeah, we called your doc two weeks ago and told her you needed to find a different doctor because we aren't the right kind of doc for you. They said they had told you it was canceled and that you didn't need to come in today". So I turned around and went back home. I never heard anything from my doc. When I asked her about this appointment yesterday, she didn't event know that I had talked to them and had an appointment. This doctor is reckless and careless with my case. She doesn't ever know what I am talking about and doesn't read my files till I am in her office grilling her for answers. I am getting really irritated with this doc and would LOVE to go back to my doctors at the children's hospital near by. So frustrating!
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Our 21 day cleanse challenge
We are gaining a greater awareness of food and its affects on us and our behaviors, illnesses, organ functions and acne. We have been gradually changing our diet to consist of more natural and organic food now for about almost 2 years. We have almost completely eliminated fast food restaurant food and pre-made and packaged meals. With more knowledge of our consumption of foods, we felt it was best to clean out our system and start fresh. Reboot. So I researched into all organic friendly cleansers and the price. We found one that was just what we were looking for through Standard Process. We can eat through out the whole thing as well. We have to watch what we consume of course and do what we can to get the absolute cleanest food. Here is our experience! (This will be updated daily with our experience) My friend from High School decided she wanted to do the cleanse as well and we could compare results. Here is her experience on this blog.
Day 1: By noon we had only had one smoothie with all our supplements and it was very filling. By about 4p.m. we were ready for actual food. So we made some quinoa and sautéed bell peppers. I had a date night with some high school friends and they wanted to go out. I just took my shake. We made hummus with clean alternatives. We noticed we both had a bit of a headache and we were craving everything because we knew we couldn't have it. Getting started isn't cheap and is a little daunting when you realize how much clean food costs. If you pay attention to the world though and it's direction you may notice that the world is generally becoming more aware of health and food. Good food is getting cheaper and processed, conventional food is getting more expensive. Slowly but surely they will even out more and become more and more that way.
Day 2: Still have a slight headache. We have made some dressing for dipping veggies in with avocado and lemon juice and a tiny bit of olive oil. We are working on finding recipes that can work as a substitute for eggs so we can use coconut flour in meals and get more calories and substance. We keep talking about and joking about what foods we will introduce first and dreaming about the succulent taste of those foods when the day comes. Hubbs says his stomach is going to go into hibernation because our blender does all the mixing and breaking down of our food for him. Then he asked what the hard white objects were in his mouth and if he would be able to use them for the next month. I was confused and then realized with all the smoothies, our teeth won't be getting as much of a work out. We haven't had much of a "clearing out" (pooping) as you think you would on a cleanse. We are attributing it to eating healthier prior. My friend who eats differently than we do is doing this with us and she is having a different experience. We have gone number one an awful lot but that's about it. Our fridge is packed with veggies. More full than our fridge has ever been since Hubbs decided his career path.
Day 3: Poop- It's started but less frequently than the usual, probably because we are consuming less solids and we need to drink more water. Also, muscle weakness has kicked in and feels exhausted all the time. Our patience level is less than usual. Headaches are still lingering bit by bit. We pee all the time!
Day 4: Muscle tenderness lingering a little. We are hungry but learning to control our hunger. I feel hungry but I don't feel like eating anything because I feel bloated and overly obese. My biggest pair of pants are tight and hard to move around in. I have been trying to work out more as well and limit food consumption. Hope this helps more. With working out, E and I are both weak and our work outs have been a little less because we didn't have the energy we needed. We are going to be altering our sessions a tad to go back and start over with some of our routines. Still working out 6 days a week though for over 30 minutes a day at least. Hubbs is fairly normal and the only thing that's changed for him is minor aches, hunger and peeing all the time. That's it. This isn't like normal cleanses. We get to eat still and I noticed my mood swings have been varying as well. I noticed that I am happier more often and that I get frustrated easier. I think that is because of the hunger feeling. It seems to be going faster than we thought it would during the first two days. Now thinking about it, we are close to finishing our first week. We are over the hump of the first day. The hardest part of the cleanse is just taking the supplements and finding meals that are aligned with our guidelines for eating.
Day 5: We went to a party and thought it was going to be easier than it was. We were mistaken however, we made it work. I started to get a bit nauseous at one point and just sat there in our seats at a baseball game. We are getting use to the diet and getting foods down. Poop is never a fun thing to talk about especially when it's your own and with strangers. I have noticed that there are changes already. I have had issues with my liver and not filtering out the fatty foods as well as it should be. I have had orange colored stuff and now it's changed to brown, the color it needs to be. Sorry for the information being a little much but it's changes we are noticing. I have started losing weight and I have noticed differences in my foods and which ones are heavy and which ones are light. It's nice noticing how it makes me feel as well.
Day 6: I got a nasty headache that turned into a migraine and lasted through the night. It was not fun. I started finding new ideas for food like homemade veggie burgers and soups and such. I will be making those for dinner.
Day 7:Food ideas are coming along and it's easier than I keep thinking when I get overwhelmed with the thought of making dinner EVERY NIGHT. It's date night and all I want is a nice big piece of pizza, juicy burger, fries and a baguette. Withdrawals from gluten is the hardest! Now the hardest part of the diet is drinking the smoothies twice a day. The pills are a breeze in two swift chugs of water. The smoothies are getting ridiculous and we can't run to the store everyday to get more fruit to cover everything up.
Day 8: Today is the first day without taking the cleanser pills now and we are taking green pills, that are filling us up with greens. We are counting down the days till meat. We have deduced that eggs are categorized in the meat department and once we can use eggs our foods open up drastically! Four more days. We are past the first week now and really craving real food but in smaller amounts. We are aware of the healthier foods now and such. This is hard getting over this hump of the first week. We still are getting headaches here and there. Hubbs thinks it's because of the over exposure to sun when we do sports and such. I agree to an extent. Our fridge is full again of fruits and veggies. We have been venturing out into the world of new foods and it's been surprisingly delightful. We both tried eggplant for the first time the other night and had a mouthful of flavor in our altered veggie burger. Tonight we are having friends over for games and usually we have a small snack to munch on... tonight, veggies and hummus. I am hitting a resistance to taking the pills every day. I have NEVER liked taking pills for anything! I HATE PILLS! Not because of the disgusting flavor but because I don't know what all is smashed up in that tiny disgusting pill. I don't like being tied down to a commitment of having to take a pill or eating at a certain time. I like to do my own thing, when I want to do it kind of thing. When I get into crafts, I can easily go a whole day without eating or drinking or even using the restroom. Sad but true. I get so into things I don't think about anything but that. I have had massive cravings for chocolate. So much so, I bought totally organic powder from Trader Joe's and put it in my sweet potato (I used that for the sweetener) and shakes with banana. Not tasty at all I might add. I spit that out real fast! I just open the tub of it and sniff to get flavor in my mouth. So bad. I am an addict for this stuff. I ordered candy bars for a party I am hosting and the box wasn't even opened that had the ice packs, packaging, stuffing, and then the actual box of bars, I could smell the chocolate from outside this sealed box. I have noticed as well that my seances have all been reset kind of thing. I like more savory flavors and I can smell clearer than before and I know I am paying more attention to it so that could just be it but it's something we both have noticed.
Day 9: We started a new set of supplements yesterday and I think we are experiencing a little bit more of a detox. I have a splitting headache. This could be a lack of eating a full meal and already being 2p.m. I have noticed that my skin is less oily and clearer pores. Having people wasn't a big problem. We pulled out crackers and chips and stuff for them to enjoy while we ate our hummus and peppers. They wanted to join in with us anyway so that wasn't bad. I have noticed that sleeping isn't as big of an issue as normally. I have a love hate relationship with sleeping. I love sleeping but can't sleep sometimes and I hate this. I have become a light sleeper since being married and I have nights were my body is so wrestles and needs to get moving or something and I end up staying up all night. I have noticed the last few days that my sleeping habits have changed a bit. I have been able to fall asleep/wake-up faster and easier than usual. I wake up less in the night, meaning my sleep is deeper and I don't wake up to Hubbs chomping at the bit in his sleep.
Day 10: Nothing really new today, just counting down for Wednesday and eating meat. I am also planning a trip at the end of the week and figuring out food and what we are doing during our time out of town.
Day 15: I have some catching up to do. Basically nothing has changed the last few days. We are still feeling pretty good and sticking to the diet is getting harder and harder because of our reluctance with the powder for our smoothies. It kind of dominates just about everything now and we are really no liking it. Taking 19 pills a day is getting to be a little annoying too. Activities in our lives is kicking up and we aren't around to make smoothies or I forget to take pills for a meal and so it's starting to slip or become laxed. Tomorrow is the first day of a vacation we are taking to celebrate several big momentous occasions in our lives. We plan on cheating a little with our diet so we can enjoy it. The manual says that we can, we just stick to it as much as we can and get right back on track as soon as possible.
Day 16: Today we found a farm to table restaurant to celebrate a bigger dinner at and still be healthy. These are more popular than I had thought originally. Sadly the town we are in doesn't have as many as the city, which we didn't feel like driving to because of the distance. Then we got cookies and our control went on a rampage. This is both of our weaknesses.
Day 17: We had waffles for breakfast and everything else we ate was on diet. Then for dinner we went to a really nice place to try their appetizers and we were really surprised afterward when we asked the waitress what all was in our food, how much of it was approved. Still brown sugar and cheese were not. Then the cookies again. WARNING TO THE WISE. Don't add all the food groups all at once. It makes for some unpleasant experiences in the john. Our stomachs were very unhappy with us and growling and turning, making all sorts of vicious sounds that would scare a small child. Luckily we stayed in our room and the pool for the majority of our trip. We went biking and walked a bunch too so that helped.
Day 18:
Day 19:
Day 20: Back on track and we are still dealing with our interesting growling because of all the foods we introduced all at once. We needed to introduce one type at a time with a day or two at the very least in between adding new foods. For the healthiest, most comfortable results.
Day 21: We still have a lot of supplies like the supplements and the powder we still have over half of the second container left and two full unopened containers. We still have two whole fiber jars unopened and some cleanser pills left. We plan on still using most of this as directed but eating what we want. We are clear on the understanding of "Moderation". All things in moderation are good for the body. We are giving away all of our white flour and white sugar, our white rice and all modified foods so we don't have them in our home, but we still will eat cookies, cake, bread and such just with healthier and more pure ingredients than previously. We are going to be using brown long grain rice and quinoa instead of regular rice. We are also going to go back to splitting a chicken breast for dinner and eating smaller portions. We are already planning more meals where we aren't going out to eat so we can use that money for traveling to see our families in different states. When you eat wiser, you benefit in so many other ways.
Day 22:
Challenges we learned from this...
1. we needed to learn more about other foods and what they tasted like and if we liked them at all.
2. We learned that you really do have to plan your meals a bit more if you are going to be successful. 3. Creativity can taste good and bad. Mixing foods that have similar colors is generally a good rule for flavor specifically in smoothies.
4. You really need to pay close attention to the ingredients in the food we buy. Knowledge is a great tool. Even going out can be fun when you know what you are eating.
5. Eating clean is expensive sometimes.
6. I don't crave sweets in the evening like I did. Only in the morning now and that is when I get my fruit intake so it works. I also work out in the morning everyday so I can easier base my meals by how much work I do earlier in the day.
Day 1: By noon we had only had one smoothie with all our supplements and it was very filling. By about 4p.m. we were ready for actual food. So we made some quinoa and sautéed bell peppers. I had a date night with some high school friends and they wanted to go out. I just took my shake. We made hummus with clean alternatives. We noticed we both had a bit of a headache and we were craving everything because we knew we couldn't have it. Getting started isn't cheap and is a little daunting when you realize how much clean food costs. If you pay attention to the world though and it's direction you may notice that the world is generally becoming more aware of health and food. Good food is getting cheaper and processed, conventional food is getting more expensive. Slowly but surely they will even out more and become more and more that way.
Day 2: Still have a slight headache. We have made some dressing for dipping veggies in with avocado and lemon juice and a tiny bit of olive oil. We are working on finding recipes that can work as a substitute for eggs so we can use coconut flour in meals and get more calories and substance. We keep talking about and joking about what foods we will introduce first and dreaming about the succulent taste of those foods when the day comes. Hubbs says his stomach is going to go into hibernation because our blender does all the mixing and breaking down of our food for him. Then he asked what the hard white objects were in his mouth and if he would be able to use them for the next month. I was confused and then realized with all the smoothies, our teeth won't be getting as much of a work out. We haven't had much of a "clearing out" (pooping) as you think you would on a cleanse. We are attributing it to eating healthier prior. My friend who eats differently than we do is doing this with us and she is having a different experience. We have gone number one an awful lot but that's about it. Our fridge is packed with veggies. More full than our fridge has ever been since Hubbs decided his career path.
Day 3: Poop- It's started but less frequently than the usual, probably because we are consuming less solids and we need to drink more water. Also, muscle weakness has kicked in and feels exhausted all the time. Our patience level is less than usual. Headaches are still lingering bit by bit. We pee all the time!
Day 4: Muscle tenderness lingering a little. We are hungry but learning to control our hunger. I feel hungry but I don't feel like eating anything because I feel bloated and overly obese. My biggest pair of pants are tight and hard to move around in. I have been trying to work out more as well and limit food consumption. Hope this helps more. With working out, E and I are both weak and our work outs have been a little less because we didn't have the energy we needed. We are going to be altering our sessions a tad to go back and start over with some of our routines. Still working out 6 days a week though for over 30 minutes a day at least. Hubbs is fairly normal and the only thing that's changed for him is minor aches, hunger and peeing all the time. That's it. This isn't like normal cleanses. We get to eat still and I noticed my mood swings have been varying as well. I noticed that I am happier more often and that I get frustrated easier. I think that is because of the hunger feeling. It seems to be going faster than we thought it would during the first two days. Now thinking about it, we are close to finishing our first week. We are over the hump of the first day. The hardest part of the cleanse is just taking the supplements and finding meals that are aligned with our guidelines for eating.
Day 5: We went to a party and thought it was going to be easier than it was. We were mistaken however, we made it work. I started to get a bit nauseous at one point and just sat there in our seats at a baseball game. We are getting use to the diet and getting foods down. Poop is never a fun thing to talk about especially when it's your own and with strangers. I have noticed that there are changes already. I have had issues with my liver and not filtering out the fatty foods as well as it should be. I have had orange colored stuff and now it's changed to brown, the color it needs to be. Sorry for the information being a little much but it's changes we are noticing. I have started losing weight and I have noticed differences in my foods and which ones are heavy and which ones are light. It's nice noticing how it makes me feel as well.
Day 6: I got a nasty headache that turned into a migraine and lasted through the night. It was not fun. I started finding new ideas for food like homemade veggie burgers and soups and such. I will be making those for dinner.
Day 7:Food ideas are coming along and it's easier than I keep thinking when I get overwhelmed with the thought of making dinner EVERY NIGHT. It's date night and all I want is a nice big piece of pizza, juicy burger, fries and a baguette. Withdrawals from gluten is the hardest! Now the hardest part of the diet is drinking the smoothies twice a day. The pills are a breeze in two swift chugs of water. The smoothies are getting ridiculous and we can't run to the store everyday to get more fruit to cover everything up.
Day 8: Today is the first day without taking the cleanser pills now and we are taking green pills, that are filling us up with greens. We are counting down the days till meat. We have deduced that eggs are categorized in the meat department and once we can use eggs our foods open up drastically! Four more days. We are past the first week now and really craving real food but in smaller amounts. We are aware of the healthier foods now and such. This is hard getting over this hump of the first week. We still are getting headaches here and there. Hubbs thinks it's because of the over exposure to sun when we do sports and such. I agree to an extent. Our fridge is full again of fruits and veggies. We have been venturing out into the world of new foods and it's been surprisingly delightful. We both tried eggplant for the first time the other night and had a mouthful of flavor in our altered veggie burger. Tonight we are having friends over for games and usually we have a small snack to munch on... tonight, veggies and hummus. I am hitting a resistance to taking the pills every day. I have NEVER liked taking pills for anything! I HATE PILLS! Not because of the disgusting flavor but because I don't know what all is smashed up in that tiny disgusting pill. I don't like being tied down to a commitment of having to take a pill or eating at a certain time. I like to do my own thing, when I want to do it kind of thing. When I get into crafts, I can easily go a whole day without eating or drinking or even using the restroom. Sad but true. I get so into things I don't think about anything but that. I have had massive cravings for chocolate. So much so, I bought totally organic powder from Trader Joe's and put it in my sweet potato (I used that for the sweetener) and shakes with banana. Not tasty at all I might add. I spit that out real fast! I just open the tub of it and sniff to get flavor in my mouth. So bad. I am an addict for this stuff. I ordered candy bars for a party I am hosting and the box wasn't even opened that had the ice packs, packaging, stuffing, and then the actual box of bars, I could smell the chocolate from outside this sealed box. I have noticed as well that my seances have all been reset kind of thing. I like more savory flavors and I can smell clearer than before and I know I am paying more attention to it so that could just be it but it's something we both have noticed.
Day 9: We started a new set of supplements yesterday and I think we are experiencing a little bit more of a detox. I have a splitting headache. This could be a lack of eating a full meal and already being 2p.m. I have noticed that my skin is less oily and clearer pores. Having people wasn't a big problem. We pulled out crackers and chips and stuff for them to enjoy while we ate our hummus and peppers. They wanted to join in with us anyway so that wasn't bad. I have noticed that sleeping isn't as big of an issue as normally. I have a love hate relationship with sleeping. I love sleeping but can't sleep sometimes and I hate this. I have become a light sleeper since being married and I have nights were my body is so wrestles and needs to get moving or something and I end up staying up all night. I have noticed the last few days that my sleeping habits have changed a bit. I have been able to fall asleep/wake-up faster and easier than usual. I wake up less in the night, meaning my sleep is deeper and I don't wake up to Hubbs chomping at the bit in his sleep.
Day 10: Nothing really new today, just counting down for Wednesday and eating meat. I am also planning a trip at the end of the week and figuring out food and what we are doing during our time out of town.
Day 11: Planning our anniversary trip(s) is exciting and between planning and doc appointments and work, I have been consumed and yesterday I didn't eat anything until about 9p.m. I wasn't hungry. I didn't care. That's kind of how I feel today. I feel my energy level is low today though and with work tonight I am lucky because it will be one of those easy kind of days. Nothing really new here.
Day 12: We can eat meat today!
Day 13:
Day 14:
Day 12: We can eat meat today!
Day 13:
Day 14:
Day 15: I have some catching up to do. Basically nothing has changed the last few days. We are still feeling pretty good and sticking to the diet is getting harder and harder because of our reluctance with the powder for our smoothies. It kind of dominates just about everything now and we are really no liking it. Taking 19 pills a day is getting to be a little annoying too. Activities in our lives is kicking up and we aren't around to make smoothies or I forget to take pills for a meal and so it's starting to slip or become laxed. Tomorrow is the first day of a vacation we are taking to celebrate several big momentous occasions in our lives. We plan on cheating a little with our diet so we can enjoy it. The manual says that we can, we just stick to it as much as we can and get right back on track as soon as possible.
Day 16: Today we found a farm to table restaurant to celebrate a bigger dinner at and still be healthy. These are more popular than I had thought originally. Sadly the town we are in doesn't have as many as the city, which we didn't feel like driving to because of the distance. Then we got cookies and our control went on a rampage. This is both of our weaknesses.
Day 17: We had waffles for breakfast and everything else we ate was on diet. Then for dinner we went to a really nice place to try their appetizers and we were really surprised afterward when we asked the waitress what all was in our food, how much of it was approved. Still brown sugar and cheese were not. Then the cookies again. WARNING TO THE WISE. Don't add all the food groups all at once. It makes for some unpleasant experiences in the john. Our stomachs were very unhappy with us and growling and turning, making all sorts of vicious sounds that would scare a small child. Luckily we stayed in our room and the pool for the majority of our trip. We went biking and walked a bunch too so that helped.
Day 18:
Day 19:
Day 20: Back on track and we are still dealing with our interesting growling because of all the foods we introduced all at once. We needed to introduce one type at a time with a day or two at the very least in between adding new foods. For the healthiest, most comfortable results.
Day 21: We still have a lot of supplies like the supplements and the powder we still have over half of the second container left and two full unopened containers. We still have two whole fiber jars unopened and some cleanser pills left. We plan on still using most of this as directed but eating what we want. We are clear on the understanding of "Moderation". All things in moderation are good for the body. We are giving away all of our white flour and white sugar, our white rice and all modified foods so we don't have them in our home, but we still will eat cookies, cake, bread and such just with healthier and more pure ingredients than previously. We are going to be using brown long grain rice and quinoa instead of regular rice. We are also going to go back to splitting a chicken breast for dinner and eating smaller portions. We are already planning more meals where we aren't going out to eat so we can use that money for traveling to see our families in different states. When you eat wiser, you benefit in so many other ways.
Day 22:
Challenges we learned from this...
1. we needed to learn more about other foods and what they tasted like and if we liked them at all.
2. We learned that you really do have to plan your meals a bit more if you are going to be successful. 3. Creativity can taste good and bad. Mixing foods that have similar colors is generally a good rule for flavor specifically in smoothies.
4. You really need to pay close attention to the ingredients in the food we buy. Knowledge is a great tool. Even going out can be fun when you know what you are eating.
5. Eating clean is expensive sometimes.
6. I don't crave sweets in the evening like I did. Only in the morning now and that is when I get my fruit intake so it works. I also work out in the morning everyday so I can easier base my meals by how much work I do earlier in the day.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Educated and Inspired
Last week I didn't post because we were out of the
area for a weekend conference for Hubbs. We got to meet Chiropractors from all
around the world and we got to learn about more elements of being healthy and
living to the best of our capability.
Health is such an important part of life and
vitality. Taking care of our bodies is not only a base element for our religion
but also in the general public's goal of living as long as possible. Everyone
is separated into three categories.
The first being those who know and want to learn
more. They also want to do what ever they can to be completely healthy, also
known as, "crunchy". These people know about the importance of home
grown fruits and veggies, grass fed animals used for human consumption, Coconut
oil and all the different ways to use it as a more natural moisturizer and
cleanser.
The second type is those who know and have heard
about the importance of eating healthy and care, but don't really change many
of their habits. Usually they can't let go of their "conventional"
foods that have GMO and pesticide changing the structure of our daily meals.
They usually cut down on the pre-processed foods at the very beginning.
The third type is those who don't know and don't
care what they eat. Usually you can find these in fast food restaurants
multiple times a week and when not found there, they eat pre-processed frozen
meals. This type is usually overweight, unhappy, with several health issues and
lots of pain in their joints that they either are highly aware of and use as an
excuse, or they don't pay attention to pain at all and have mass inflammation
issues.
We are working to be fully engaged in the type one
category. There are so many alarming stories we have heard about the food we
eat and how it changes our DNA for generations. We are learning about how
"diseases" are possible and likely, but often over exaggerated by
those ignorant to this information, causing and over diagnosed and
mis-interpreted by society. We are working on getting more exercise on a daily
basis and eating less during a meal, but eating more frequently to keep hunger
at bay. The more I do to try and lose my weight the more I seem to gain and
it's frustrating for me and confusing.
Having cancer issues at a young age, I have become
aware of this importance younger than most of my peers in high school. Now we
are involved in a group of peers that are more knowledgable than we are and
learn from them about taste as well. We have decided that with all this
knowledge and understanding we need to start over and have a fresh start if you
will. We are doing a detox cleanse to completely clear our body of all the gunk
that has built up and creating blockages. We also just invested in a fancy new
blender. It's like the Vita-mix one but the original designers at a cheaper
price. I am excited because I can make so many fun things and not have to worry
about jamming the machine or overheating it like a cheap blender from Wal-mart
or Target.
We have been using this to blend more veggies into
drinks and make our consumption of veggies much higher. I can mix in different
ingredients to help with eliminating cancer cells and free radicles like Kale,
Chia seeds and more. With my most recent experience of symptoms coming up
again, I have figured out it was time to get things moving forward with my
health vs our adoption. I have put everything in our life on hold. I talked to
my doctor and started tests. There has been several moments where I have
determined that there is a mass that will most likely need surgery and that it
could be cancerous. We are trying to plan accordingly but bottom line is we
really want to know. I have called my doctor several times since all the
testing has been done and there is still no response.
I am fed up with that so I took my scan copies to a
Chiropractic Radiologist who will have a report written up for me within the
next few days hopefully. We still don't know what is going on or any
results for sure. I know we have had a load of friends and family asking about
what is going on and how I am feeling. Truth is, I don't know. I don't know
anything. I take it day by day and sometimes I feel amazing, others I feel pain
and just want to lay down and not do anything. There are also days where I am
wanting to be fully engaged with people and have fun being around them, others
I just don't want to talk about it and want to be alone. I have nothing new to
say to anyone and it kind of gets me down sometimes when I think about the
different issues going on that others don't understand. I am doing the best I
can with what I have available to me. Yes, it's not fair or acceptable. I can't
change this right now.
I am not ignoring your messages and phone calls, I just have a lot of
them and I am trying to distract myself right now so that I can stay in the
right mindset for myself. Please be understanding that I do want to talk to
you, I just need some time. Thanks for your patients, your love, support,
prayers, kindness, we really appreciate it. Stay posted for weekly updates on
what's going on. As we know more, we will let you all know. Till then keep
smiling!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)