Lots to catch up on. That seems to be the theme of the week simply because I have been so involved in education lately, I have barely had time to eat. So we shall update you with the short version of everything.
I will be going to take my last final of the semester in a little over two hours. I will then be done with what I can honestly say was the most challenging, frustrating and aggravating semester of my life to this point in time. Group projects have been the cause of most of my irritability and aggravation. I have never been more stressed out than this semester. Hubbs has even had to step in and be the woman of the house by cleaning, doing dinners, dishes, laundry, errands, phone calls and paying all the bills. He has had to step in and moderate homework assignments and douse fires over homework squabbles. This has been a trying semester and we are both so thankful that it is now over.
Now we are gearing up for our last and final semester at this school. I will be very overwhelmed with projects again as it is my senior project semester and that is all my classes are, is projects. Hubbs is taking a fairly content semester. We are also working on getting everything set up for when we move and were we will be living. It's quite exciting! We will be back in ocean country and the land of liberals that aren't such a tight wad, it crawls up your butt and gives you wedgies. No offense to our friends here, we just have had really negative experiences here in the land of "perfection and zion". The school has great ideal, they just handle them wrong and so as a result we both are feeling confined, held back and screwed over in many situations (again based off our own experiences).
Moving back excites us and terrifies me at the same time. Not having a consistent and for sure income scares me specially because of my medical bills and the debt we will be going into here shortly to start paying for Hubbs tuition bills. I have been having panic attacks frequently lately because of money and school assignments. Something I haven't experienced since I was like 13 visiting my grandparents. Mixed emotions for so many reasons, such as family and the life events that we haven't been apart of for the last two years. Money, weather, jobs, expectations of myself and others. "Welcome to being an adult" I hear my mother's words echoing in my head as I cringe. I know it's true and I know it's all apart of life, but for real can I just complain for a minute and get sympathy? I figure I can complain as I am working things through my head and then it's time to get to work and moving. So this is my rant. Let's get moving!
I have been thinking of several different things I want to do with my time and wrestling those with the things I probably should be doing with my time. I am in class each day listening to how much money is being made just by posting blogs and making youtube videos for people to see everyday. I hear about social media and how important it is to get yourself out there and be heard and how as a professional, I am supposed to be spending close to 2-3 hours a day on social media and reading what is going on so I can stay up to date and aware of what is really going on out there. I feel like now, I just don't have the time to do what I love and so what I would love to do is to stay home and make youtube video tutorials of how to craft, bake/cook, sew, ect. I want to spend my time reading books that would benefit me and that I would actually enjoy reading instead of textbooks I feel are irrelevant to what I am in search of. Now, that is what I would like to do, however, I don't feel I can leave the financial stability hanging on by the income of an amateur. So, I have been looking into possibilities and catching up with my networking connections to see if I have possible openings for jobs back home. I currently have three possible options available, just waiting for time to pass so I can go and chat with these people more in depth. I don't feel I could be a stay at home wife all day, I would need some source of employment to give myself time to be me and feel like I have a purpose in life.
NOW warning because some of my thoughts I am portraying aren't going to come out as smoothly as I see them in my head.
So part of our culture thrives on young couples getting married at younger ages than society believes, and starting families. All of my married friends have children and/or are pregnant and I am feeling left out. I have a love hate relationship with children and I will explain so I don't look like a total hypocritical witch. I hate being around children who have no discipline, rude, inconsiderate, oblivious and ill mannered creatures that are spoiled beyond the healthy limit. I also have a huge detest for parents who think this is what raises a good child. These children I call "devil children" because they were raised by careless or unaware parents.
I think and fully believe that you can let children have freedom to be themselves, and that they can be disciplined in such a way that they are well mannered and respectable little children. My nephews are perfect examples of what I want my children to be like. They have fun, they can be themselves, they are honest, they respect those around them, they are polite and use words please and thank you without being "forced/reminded" to.
I absolutely love children and think we will be awesome parents. I think their cute chubby little smiles are the most adorable part of them and think that they are blessings sent from God. I can't wait to play with them, teach them and watch them grow. I get jealous when I see everyone getting pregnant at the same time and I can't. (for those of you who don't already know, I have medical issues that result in me not being able to have my own children, this fact makes me bitter and I admit it) I want to adopt, but money comes into play again and makes it impossible for us to do so at this time because of financial aid debts we have to pay our tuition and we are only going to get worse over the next four years as Hubbs is starting grad school. So I deal with the daily struggle of hating myself because of things beyond my control and feeling like God has punished me for something I have done in my past. It hurts me daily when I see pregnant women rubbing their bellies and talking about kids and being pregnant. BACKGROUND INFO INSERTED.... When it is my closest friends and family I am completely 100% happy for them and just want to be involved so that I can be the support they need. I have no grudges against the people closest to me and no animosity against them. You who are reading this are considered close friends so there is no need to worry or be cautious around me. For some reason I don't see this as an issue for those I love... Who knew right!? :)
Anyway Onto what's going on with us..... About three weeks ago I was looking in the mirror and found a hair that was as white as snow. I pulled it out and examined it. Then I texted my mother to inform her that I am officially getting old. The next day I was looking in the mirror again and found a whole handful of white hairs on the top of my head. I am WAY too young to have that and I again texted in a frantic state to my mother with a panic that made me flutter. She writes back laughing. "Thanks MOM!" Just what this panicked person needed!
Easter was good, quiet because I was busy with classes. We played a prank on Hubbs family and it was great.
Nothing really new with us other than what has been mentioned in this post so now that the semester is over, I can get back on schedule with posting weekly for you all to see. I hope you are enjoying yourself.
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