Learning to Face the Music

I wake up with a gaping hole in my heart. Something precious and fragile to me has been ripped out and lost. Hesitating to move one foot in front of the other I slowly inch my way toward the door. Fear comes over me and makes everything cold. I quickly turn around and run back into bed. I think to myself for a moment and remind myself, this is temporary, its not bad, this connection is for eternity.

Tears come rolling down my pudgy cheeks as that hole feels bigger and bigger. Looking around I see what appears as a home I once found comfortable because of the peace and serenity of it being mine and quiet. Now I see it as bare, empty, lonely and quiet- too quiet.

This last week I had the wonderful opportunity of having family from out of town stay at our house. Some might get a little nervous about the thought of having 5 extra bodies in the little two bedroom house and three of which being little children. Me? I was thrilled. So thrilled I almost wet my pants when I would think about the opportunity we were about to embark on. I knew there was going to be noise and little children waking me up in the morning and running all through my house. That didn't bother me one bit. I cherished every moment of it and now all I want is for it back. It felt so complete and so right.

I am in an odd place in my life. One I hoped I would never find myself in. Unfortunately there isn't much I cannot do about it, other than to take it moment by moment and learn to feel each emotion and each prompting to guide me back on the path I originally wanted to embark on.

With my situation being as it is that I can't have children of my own, I have taken this personal many times. I have felt like I was being punished for my actions when I was a dumb teen. I have felt like this is a test of my faith to see how far I can be pushed before I hit my limit and call it quits. I have felt like I am the biggest failure of all time, because women are created to bear children and raise them. That one purpose I physically cannot accomplish. I feel like a defect that has no worth or value.  I feel alone because none of my friends my age can even understand the situation being that way for themselves. I go to church and everyone has babies and that is the main topic of conversation. I go out with friends and we have to work around their schedule because their kids need nap time. I get so frustrated because all I have ever wanted is to be that "ONE" person and I feel like that will never happen because of issues that were beyond anyone's control. I got sick with something that should have killed me.

No one else I know my age has ever been through as much figurative crap as I have and therefore no one can relate. Many adults haven't even been through many of these topics or issues and so relating to people is very hard. This is another element in my hatred for myself and another musical note I have to learn to love and accept.

Having my family love and support me with all I do has always been my dream. Having a big family of my own has always been a dream of mine as well. I always have wanted to be surrounded by love and family. Having what I want is not possible. It may be a timing issue, a physical issue, a relatability issue, whatever it may be, it's out of my control. I know that, I need to accept that. I don't want people thinking that I am just complaining and I really believe that I am this ugly horrible person, because I know I am not. I am human just like you and everyone else. I have feelings I can't always ignore and push aside. Sometimes just being in that moment and letting us go through the motions of what the moment and emotions need, helps us to be stronger and we can better understand ourselves and why we feel what we feel and how to overcome in the future.

I know I can adopt. I know that sometime in my existence somewhere, I will be a mother to children and I will do anything I need to make them happy and strong, smart, reliable, trustworthy, obedient, self-reliant and that they can think for themselves and have a voice of their own.  I know that I will be a great mom when that time comes. I know I am beautiful in someone's eyes no matter how I look. I know that I have worth and great potential for marvelous things. I know that I have a purpose that has not yet been fulfilled. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself in accepting who and what I am and that I am most definitely not alone. I know there are those out in this world who have been in similar experiences and who understand completely what I feel. I also know my Heavenly Father has been there with me every step of the way. I know that with his power anything is possible and that all I need to do is to let it happen in his time and in his way.

With recent changes in my life, I have been quiet surprised with myself. I am realizing that I do have a testimony of my own and it is strong. I know that I do have faith in the eternal plan and our Father in Heaven. I know that this is all happening for a reason and that I am being groomed for bigger, better things. I know that there is a purpose for suffering.

With every change comes fear of the unknown. I am not going to lie and say that losing my job hasn't freaked me out and made me have moments of doubt. IT HAS! I am not going to lie and say that I didn't at some point or another feel like this was the end, I HAVE. I am not going to lie and say that I felt I was being dropped off a cliff for dead with no other plan, I HAVE. I also have felt peace, comfort, understanding, patience and love like never before. I have seen things changing in myself I never thought I could feel or see so clearly. It is truly amazing and rewarding to me. I know I am doing the right things in my life because I can finally see the alignment coming together of a plan the Savior has. I still don't know the outcome but I know there is a purpose and that everything will be alright. I need to grab onto that comfort and peace so hard that it couldn't possibly slip away and follow it even if it's hard.

I am learning to love myself again. Learning to get myself back on track with my spirituality, my physical exercise and appearance, my patience with others around me. I need to get back on track and learn to find my voice and who I want to be. I need to clear the rubble to find the pathway to who I want to be. I need to accept that my home is only temporarily empty and that family is only leaving for a short time. I will have them in my life for eternity as long as I am worthy myself. I know that I need to find what I truly feel I should be doing wit my time and days that can keep me happy and not overwhelmed to the point of submission. I need to find me again and clear all the mess up around me to make my home and my space a place of TRUE love and peace. I need to let all the crap go because it really has no merit in my life and what I need to do. I need to do this for myself but also to be fair to my current family, my future family and all that is good in my life. To those who truly and selflessly support us, I am deeply and sincerely grateful for you and your example in my life. Thank you for your patience and love.