There are emotions I never thought I would know or understand. Things I never thought possible, have happened. Anger I never wanted to experience. I am left with a pain I never wish anyone else to feel, and one that few others around me have felt themselves. I often forget that I am not the only one experiencing these trials and tribulations. Today has been particularly hard for me in my process to better understand my challenges.
Because I am unable to have my own children I often feel like I have no value, no worth, and I am just a burden to Hubbs because of all the financial difficulties my treatments have caused and the continual breakdown sessions of what is happening with the emotional side of coping. I feel sorry that I have added this burden to his life because he doesn't deserve to have this in his life.
Thinking about this and stumbling around online for articles about how to help him understand some of my pain, I found an article I would like to add some personal comments to. The list of things I wish you could understand about my grieving.
1. I wish more people would think before they speak. Judgmental comments are better left unsaid. Instead of acting as if you are better than me or you know how to handle the situation better than I do, try getting to know me on a more personal level first. Ignorance hurts others, that is why I also wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about what is going on in my life and ask what you can do to help. I enjoy talking about my situation, to raise awareness that people struggling, are still people with different challenges. Also, by telling my story of my illness and my situation, I can raise awareness to those who are curious but afraid to speak up. Another thing is, you may not be able to help or fix a situation but you can just be a genuine friend. Sometimes, that is all I need.
2. I have emotions just like the rest of you. If I cry or get emotional when talking about my challenges, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered (or suffered differently) has caused my tears. You have opened up the doors to allow me to cry/express emotions to heal.
3. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day, my grief is over and I am healed. If I have a bad day, please don't jump to a conclusion that I need counseling or to talk to others in my situation, I am just trying to grasp my emotions and having a hard day. Anger, Depression, Frustration, Hopelessness, Brokenness, Worthlessness and questioning one's beliefs are part of learning and growing. Because I have a lapse and feel this temporarily, doesn't mean that I am always going to feel this way. I have my beliefs and I know my faith is building me and making me stronger, I may question why this is happening to me but it doesn't mean that I want/need to know. I know it's my test and challenge.
4. Grieving the loss of a child or the loss of a possibility isn't contagious so please don't shy away and avoid me. I am not an alien. I am human like you.
5. Physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight. sleep all the time or not at all. I may want to surround myself with friends and those who support or sit at home on my couch for a while. Again this is temporary and not always in my control for how I feel from day to day with everything.
6. I am not trying to be selfish and inconsiderate when I need to take some time to focus on me and making sure I am in a right space and frame of mind. I want to be the best friend I can be and if I am not in the right frame of mind, I can't see clearly, others situations. For the better of our relationship I need to take time for me to refocus myself. Please be thoughtful and ask but don't try to coerce me into being social or cheery either, it will just create resentment between us.
7. Opinions. Everyone has them and everyone loves sharing them. You believe in one thing and I believe in something as well. You may not always believe the same thing I do and we may not always have the same thoughts on things. Judging me based off of my challenges that are specific for me, is unfair. I can't judge you on your challenges that are meant just for you. I wish that you can feel love and acceptance with an open mind for me and my situation.
8. Challenges change people. I am most likely not the same person I was when you met me. I wish I could be that same person some times, however, I have come to appreciate who I am now. I know that some may see me as jaded and bitter, but if you went through this same challenge, would you be able to come out better than this? Lets see. I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for the experiences I have in my life. I have learned so much and gained different experiences that you possibly can't dream of.
I still love you and want to be involved in your life. I still am human and have feelings just like you. I still have experiences that you may or may not be experiencing and everyone deals differently. We are not uniform in our grieving.
1. http://worldofwinks.wordpress.com/things-i-wish-i-could-tell-people-about-grieving-infertility/
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